nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
