Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
handjob tips. give me some.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
