i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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