I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
