Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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