sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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