if you like me you must not know who I am
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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