it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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