she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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