My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
