I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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