You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
