i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
