I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
