she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
