i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
