he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
you made out with another girl for some wings
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
