he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
