were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
