Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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