you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
