oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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