I skipped work to stalk him.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
