i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm drive I can fine osifer
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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