He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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