Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
