if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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