That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
