My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
