Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
