i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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