and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
