I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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