i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
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