Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Randomize
