I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
