fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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