I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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