On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
