Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
