Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
