I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He felt like a one man threesome
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
