I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
