I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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