News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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