Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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