i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
