idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize