I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
