Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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