My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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