I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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