I just saw a hot homeless man
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
