I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
