I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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